Magic and Mayhem: Stop Your Witchin' (Kindle Worlds Novella) (Ida May Chronicles Book 3) Read online

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  This work was made possible by a special license through the Kindle Worlds publishing program and has not necessarily been reviewed by Robyn Peterman. All characters, scenes, events, plots and related elements appearing in the original Magic and Mayhem remain the exclusive copyrighted and/or trademarked property of Robyn Peterman, or their affiliates or licensors.

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  Stop Your Witchin’

  Ida May Chronicles

  Deanna Chase

  Contents

  About This Book

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Magic and Mayhem World

  About This Book

  Stop Your Witchin’ is a Kindle World offering featuring Ida May from the Pyper Rayne novels.

  There’s a wedding planned in Asscrack. And when Ida May, and her boy-toy Sterling, are once again summoned to West Virginia via a hot tub teleporter, the bachelorette party is all fun and games until a little dirty dancing results in an improper curse.

  Now her shifter friends are in trouble, and Ida May is once again in the thick of it, sacrificing the only thing she cares about to make sure the wedding goes off without a hitch.

  1

  “Sweet boobs on fire!” I yelped as I jumped up and was greeted with a blast of air so cold, I was certain my nipples had frozen right off. Grabbing my frost-bitten nips in an attempt to save my most precious assets, I scanned the area, trying to orient myself to my new surroundings. The brilliant stars shone down, illuminating a small clearing that was surrounded by a densely wooded forest. After a moment, I noted a familiar white farmhouse a few yards away. That, combined with the fact it was colder than a penguin’s ass, meant there was no question I wasn’t in New Orleans anymore.

  No. I was back in Asscrack, West Virginia—home of the craziest witches I’d ever met.

  “Sassy? Zelda?” I called.

  An amused giggle filled the air and my eyes finally adjusted, taking in the blonde witch sitting across from me in the shadows. “What the hell is happening right now?”

  “It’s a hot tub teleporter! I told Zelda it would work. All I needed was a little help from her to boost my power,” Sassy said with a huge grin, holding up a punch bowl-sized margarita glass. “Now, sit your ass down and join the party.”

  “Party?” I eased back into the water, the heat assaulting my skin with thousands of tiny pinpricks. But instead of finding a seat, my ass landed on hot naked flesh. Hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me in closer. “Whoa. That better be you, Sterling, otherwise I’m gonna have some explaining to do after I ride that impressive joystick that’s pressing against my back.”

  My boyfriend’s rumbling laughter sounded in my ear. “I’m ready when you are, darlin’.”

  “Excuse me,” Sassy yelled from across the hot tub. “There are other people here, you know.”

  “You don’t count,” I shot back, turning in Sterling’s arms, overjoyed to be back in the land of the living with my boy-toy. Considering we were both ghosts, our sexy times usually consisted of dirty talk and hand gestures. But now that we were once again in the flesh, there was no way I wasn’t going to enjoy every blessed naked second we had together while in Asscrack.

  “Hey, Ida May, focus, girlfriend,” Sassy ordered. “We have a bachelorette over here who needs to let her hair down.”

  I ignored her as I wrapped my arm around Sterling’s neck and stared into his dark eyes. The hunger shining back at me made all my girly parts sing. If Sassy hadn’t been sitting three feet away, I’d have mounted him right then and there. I wasn’t modest by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn’t an exhibitionist either. “Sassy, what do you say to giving us an hour or two to, uh, get reacquainted?”

  “No way, you dirty horn dog. There’s time for that later. Right now we have bigger matters to attend to.” Sassy nodded past my shoulder. “Andi here is finally going to hop on that Shifter train and ride it till that dog’s good and wet.”

  “Um, what?” I squinted into the darkness, searching for Andi, the pretty brunette Shifter I’d met the last time I’d been summoned to Asscrack. “Translation, please.”

  “You know, tying the knot, getting hitched. Diesel is finally buying the cow. He and Andi are saying the ‘I dos’ in a few days. You know what that means.”

  “Lots of booze and male strippers?” I quipped, running my fingers over Sterling’s drool-worthy pecs.

  Sassy snorted. “I knew I could count on you to get this party started.” She stood, her oversized boobs spilling out of a tiny animal print bikini top. “Zelda, get your ass over here. Ida May and her man are dying of thirst. We need champagne, STAT.”

  “Champagne?” I gave Sassy a look that said she’d lost her mind. “Don’t you have any beer? Or bourbon? Sterling here isn’t exactly the champagne type.”

  “Calm your tits. It’s a special occasion,” Sassy shot back. “Zelda! Where the hell is the booze?”

  “Cool your butt cheeks. I’ll be there in a second.” The familiar voice of Zelda, the Shifter Whisperer, came from the back door of her large white farmhouse. She was the one who had summoned me to Asscrack twice before.

  I spun and stared hard at Sassy. “Are you sure I’m just here for a party? Diesel isn’t cursed again is he?” Raising both arms out in front of me, I scanned my skin, making sure there wasn’t another hexed tattoo marring my body.

  “Diesel is fine. Like I said, he’s finally putting a ring on it and by Saturday evening, he’ll be shackled to Andi. You’re here because those two stiffs torpedoed my stripper plans.” She waved an impatient hand toward the house. “I needed backup.”

  “Well, I’m definitely your girl,” I said, grinning. “Who do we need to call? We can’t have a bachelorette party without ogling a package or two.”

  “There will be no ogling of any packages,” Zelda said, slurring her words as she popped out of the shadows carrying a handful of champagne glasses and a bottle of Dom Perignon. “I cancelled the strippers, remember. The only man parts I’m interested in seeing belong to Mac.”

  “Holy Jesus on a cracker.” Sassy rolled her eyes and grabbed the champagne bottle from Zelda’s hand. “When did you turn into such a goody two shoes? There ain’t nothing wrong with a little lap dancing and some minor fawning.” She turned to Andi who was standing next to Zelda. “Don’t you want to see a little twerking before you shackle yourself to one man for forever?”

  “Well…” Andi started. “I guess, but where are we going to find a group of strippers out here in the sticks?”

  “I’m sure given enough bourbon, Sterling here wouldn’t mind showing us some pelvic action,” I said.

  A sloppy, drunk grin spread out over Andi’s face. “I always did think it would be fun to go see that Vegas show Thunder From Down Under.”

  “You’re the only one that’s getting up close and personal with my pelvic action,” Sterling whispered in my ear. “Until we get a little privacy, I think I’ll just hang out right here.”

  “But—”

  He leaned in and cut off my protest, his hot lips claiming mine with a kiss so steamy, my insides melted.

  “Damn, did it suddenly get hot in here, or is that man on fire?” Sassy blurted.

  “Both,” Sterling
said after he finally came up for air.

  Sassy pumped her eyebrows. “Cheeky, aren’t you?”

  “Damn straight he is,” I agreed. “But it also looks like he’s not up for shaking his ass for anyone but me, so you’re gonna need to come up with another plan if you’re set on the male twerking thing.”

  “That’s too bad.” Zelda giggled—actually giggled—as she filled the champagne glasses. Whoa. She must’ve already hit the sauce pretty hard. Zelda was not a giggler.

  “You’re the one who cancelled the entertainment, remember?” Sassy said, scowling at her.

  “Right.” Zelda glanced around, then shrugged and downed the contents of her glass. “That was a bad decision. Why’d you let me do that?”

  “Let you!” Sassy climbed out of the hot tub, steam streaming off her almost-naked body. “Don’t you remember me lunging for the phone? How do you think I got this bruise?” She held up her elbow and pouted. “You have the broken end table as evidence of my commitment to making this party something other than just an all-girl hot tub party. But instead of listening to me, and honoring my sacrifice, you went ahead and canceled anyway. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  Zelda stuck her bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout. “You’re right. I did mess up. Now what are we going to do? Andi deserves to see some man-twerking.” The Shifter healer eyed Sterling. “You sure you don’t want—”

  “Forget it, Zelda,” I said firmly. “And while you’re at it, snap out of it. You’re freaking me out. Don’t you remember that you just said you’re only interested in ogling Mac’s goods?” I’d never seen Zelda drunk before. Usually she was bossy and full of confidence. This impaired version reminded me of a teenager at her first kegger. No way was I holding her hair back later. Sassy would have to take those honors.

  “Right. Mac,” Zelda said. “He does have good ogling bits.”

  “Looks like I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands,” Sassy said, wrapping herself in a short terrycloth robe. “You two,” —she pointed at me and Sterling— “get out of there. I need your help.”

  Sterling and I shared a glance.

  “With what?” I asked.

  “We’re going to kick this party into high gear. Now stop asking questions and get your ungrateful butts out of the tub.”

  “This should be good,” Zelda said with a snort.

  “Um, got any clothes for us to wear?” I asked. “It’s not that I mind being naked, it’s just that I’d rather not be frostbitten when Sterling gets his sexy time on later. Know what I mean? Not to mention, he’ll freeze his balls off in this weather. And that would be a real travesty.” Modesty wasn’t my thing. If we’d been in New Orleans’ balmy weather, I’d have already been flaunting my considerable assets. Dying in one’s mid-twenties definitely had its perks.

  “Yeah, yeah. Over here.” Sassy waved a hand to a lawn chair that had a stack of clothes. “These are for you. Zelda made me bring clothes for both of you, just in case. Seems she’s still traumatized from seeing Sterling’s ass the last time around.”

  “No one could be traumatized by that.” I winked at Sterling, then steeled myself as I climbed out of the warm tub. A few minutes later, dried and wrapped in a tiny robe of my own, I stood next to Sterling, barefoot and shivering. He, of course, stood there stoic in just a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. “Aren’t you freezing?” I whispered to him as we followed Sassy out into the middle of the clearing.

  “Na. The thoughts running through my mind right now are enough to keep me plenty warm.”

  “Jesus. Give it a rest, you two,” Sassy cut in with mock annoyance. “At least wait until there’s some other man-candy in this joint before you start pawing at each other.”

  “Don’t listen to her, Sterling,” I cooed, running a hand over his chest. “She’s just jealous because Jeeves isn’t here.”

  “I know.” He placed his hand over mine, holding it gently as he smiled down at me. “You have no idea how much I want to touch you right now.”

  “Well, here’s your chance, witchy boy,” Sassy said. “In order to get this to work, I’m going to need you two to start dancing.”

  “Dancing?” I raised my eyebrows in question.

  “Yeah. Dirty dancing. The dirtier the better. You don’t think they’re going to show up if you’re doing the two step do you?”

  “How is dancing going to help?” I asked, intrigued.

  “Think of it as sort of a lure.” Sassy stood in the middle of the clearing and stripped off her robe, leaving her clad in the tiny bikini. Her bare white skin gleamed in the moonlight. “Andi, get your cute little ass over here.”

  The Shifter, wearing a long sweater over her tankini, clutched her champagne glass and did as she was told.

  “Zelda?”

  “Forget it. I’m staying right here in the hot tub,” the other witch said.

  I glanced back, finding her sunk deep in the water with her head tilted back.

  “Fine, whatever. But if we’re short one, you’re the odd girl out.”

  Zelda smirked. “Like that’s going to stop me from looking.”

  I laughed and snuggled in closer to Sterling. “You two are insane.”

  “You can say that again,” Andi added.

  “Alexa, play Naughty Girl by Beyoncé,” Sassy called. The music filled the night air, and Sassy waved at us. “Go ahead, get your freak on.”

  “Oh, for goddess’s sake,” Zelda said with a laugh. “This should be something to see.”

  Not one to waste precious time when I could be pressed up against a gorgeous man, I wrapped my arms around Sterling’s neck and started to sway my hips. To my delight, he moved with me, slipping into the rhythm with ease.

  “Good. Excellent,” Sassy said. “Now, Andi, join them.”

  “I don’t think—” she started.

  “No excuses,” I said, feeling almost drunk on giddy pleasure. “Let’s turn this man into a Sterling sandwich.”

  “Come on, Andi,” Sterling said, his voice full of Louisiana charm. “It’s just a little dancing.”

  “Um, okay.” Her lips tilted up into a shy smile. “A girl has to have some fun, right?”

  “Right,” Sassy and I said at the same time.

  Sterling turned his attention to Andi, sweeping her up in one arm, and rocking her back and forth in an innocent version of one of the scenes from the actual movie, Dirty Dancing. I danced around him, making good on my promise to turn him into a Sterling sandwich.

  Sassy stood off to the side, reciting a ridiculous incantation that she likely made up on the spot. “Spell me once, spell me twice, bless us with some naked men tonight. Let them dance, give them moves, bless them with some impressive man boobs.”

  All three of us stopped and turned to stare at Sassy, bemused.

  She pointed to Andi, her face set in sheer determination. “See that girl, send her a gift, show her she’s the most wanted wench.”

  “Hey!” Andi cried, clearly offended at being called a wench.

  “By the light of the full moon, hear my call and grant her the ultimate wish!” A flash of white light burst from Sassy’s hand and headed straight for Andi.

  The bride-to-be let out a yelp and dove to the side just as Sassy’s magic crashed into the ground right where Andi had been standing. An impressive boom made the earth shake, and smoke curled into the air.

  “Holy shit,” I muttered, staring at the small crater not two feet from us.

  “Oops,” Sassy said, covering her mouth. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

  “You never do,” Zelda said with an exaggerated sigh as she hauled herself out of the hot tub. Wrapped in a large beach towel, she trotted over to us and stared at the hole in the ground. “Dammit, Sassy. Look at what you did. Tomorrow I expect you to be out here with a shovel, fixing—”

  A loud chorus of howling drowned her out. The music suddenly stopped, and we all stood there, our mouths hanging open as a pack of wolves surrounded
us.

  2

  “Um, this wasn’t exactly what I was talking about when I said I wanted to see Thunder From Down Under,” Andi said, stepping out to meet the leader of the pack.

  The wolf paused, then shifted right in front of us, his naked body on full display in the moonlight.

  “At least we don’t have to wait for him to strip,” Sassy quipped.

  I laughed. She had a point. “Damn, he doesn’t disappoint, does he?” I said, admiring the man’s lean, muscular form. There was something to be said for running around in the woods all the time.

  Sterling draped his arm around me, pulling me in close, whispering, “Don’t get any ideas, woman. I don’t share.”

  I gave him a wicked smile. “Good. But be forewarned, I have some pent-up energy.”

  He chuckled. “No surprise there.”

  Andi cleared her throat and stuck her hand out to the strange wolf. “Hello, I’m Andi, and these are my friends. Are you here to see Zelda?”

  The Shifter’s brow furrowed. “Who’s Zelda?”

  “I am,” the witch said, stumbling toward us, her champagne glass still in her hand. “What’s the issue? Is one of your pack unable to shift? Got a cold? Or cursed or something?”

  “No.” The Shifter turned his attention from Zelda and back to Andi. Gripping her hand with both of his, he gently tugged her toward him. “We’re here for this gorgeous lady.”

  “I knew it! I told you it would work.” Sassy jumped around, doing a little victory dance. “I can’t wait to see the show you boys are going to put on. But wait here, I need to get my dollah, dollah, bills, y’all. And lucky for me, I know where Zelda keeps her stash.” With a gleam in her eyes, the witch took off for the house without looking back.